Reflection Of Myself
by Vidia Virgo
Summary: Any one wonder about random things that go on in your life? Just a blog for people to read my innermost thoughts, comment your life choices or hardships, and I'll respond. Depression, Suicide, Family, friends, Romance, School, Life
1. Chapter 1

Do you guys have a place in your mind that you go when the world isn't right? Like Sherlock's mind palace except instead of solving problems you run and hide from them for a bit? I do. My realm allows me to escape reality and leave the world for a bit. I can control my life and be myself with no judgment or bullying or anything. Its a way for me to control my life for once, instead of life controlling me.I call it Evermore, because forever I will always be more in there. I could be a queen, or a princess or a knight, and all I have to do is close my eyes and go to my peaceful place. I suppose I'll know when I officially grow up because I won't go back to Evermore again. But for now it helps me keep calm and peaceful, it gives me hope in my life that there is magic out there somewhere. Comment below about your mind palaces, realms, and homes. I would love to hear about them, and I'll respond if i have time.


	2. Chapter 2

Depression. What the hell is it?

de·pres·sion

dəˈpreSH(ə)n/

noun

1.

feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

"self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression"

2.

a long and severe recession in an economy or market.

"the depression in the housing market"

 _synonyms:_

recession, slump, decline, downturn, standstill; More

There. Depression isn't fun. Take it from some one who suffers from it. Most people can't tell depressed people from normal people. Yet here we are. WE exist and we live and breathe same as you. Its hard isn't it? To feel happy and positive and then BAM! Sadness overwhelms yu and knocks you down a few kinda interferes with life too, like with friendships and relationships and family. For example, when I get depressed, it's normally just about a week long, but it sucks ass. My friends don't know i'm depressed, I hide it from them, not my best friend though, she always tries to cheer me up, my boyfriend always tries to gt me smile by telling me the STUPIDEST jokes ever (I love them). My dad lets me be alone in my isolation, my sisters push my buttons even more because my mother has some how twisted their minds to make them believe that its not real and that I just want attention. Then there is my bitch of a mother. Who is the main reason of my depression. I've found that music helps and being alone really helps. What is the cause of yours? How do you handle it? Comment below


	3. Chapter 3

I am a Pluviophile, a Ceraunohpile, s Selenophile and a Nyctoohile. What the hell do these mean?

 **Pluviophile**. a lover of rain;someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.

 **Ceraunophile.** a lover of thunderstorms and lightening

 **Selenophile.** someone who loves the moon at night

 **Nyctophile.** a lover of the night and stars

Why must such beautiful meanings belong to such ugly names? Phile isn't pretty, but it is the love of. Yet Philia is the fear of. Perhaps this is just my mind wondering why things can't all be beautiful. I suppose there has to be some ugly things in the world for us to see what beauty truly is.


	4. Chapter 4

The sky that is speckled with stars and the perfect color of blue and black. Most nights I love to sit on the tablr by my window and I'll turn every light off except my fairy lighst that I strung up to resemble the stars themselves. Then I'll turn on my bluetooth headphones and play my playlist for The Stars and Rain and my mind will just wander as my ears listen to music and my eyes that are watching the living painting with the strokes of white and blue and yellow lights. There is a reason that the sky captures my attention so much, and it travels back to when I was younger and back before my parents were divorced. My father would wake me up, close to Midnight, thre best time to stargaze. The moon at almost its highest, but just low enough that the light glowing off it wouldn't block our view. He would carry me out to the back porch by the pool, and point out the stars to me.

"Look Beanie…" He would say. My nickname was rightfully earned, apparently when I waws born I came out long and thin like a green bean.

"There is Orions belt, it's always three stars in a line." As soon as we found those three marking stars, we could find almost anything else.

"The bigger dipper is over there…. See it?" The four stars that created the cup of the big one, and then the small dipper would would be just a little way over frim the handle of the big dipper. And it wouldn't be every night either, no it ws when the moon was close to dark, so that the stars would light up the sky. And every now and then he will take me to an empty parking lot of a park or a church or something randomly choosen at the time, and we will stand out there and watch the shooting stars that had been predicted that night, or the meteroids zoom across the sky and fall great lengths. This presious time that my dad and I would spend together meant the world to me.

It was a time to forget the differences between us and just connect without saying a single world to eachother if needed. Those constellations were something special to him and I, he didn't do it with my other two sisters, no, it was something for only Him and I. To have something that belonged to me at that age, I must have been around 5 when he started it, until now, when it's my turn, and I'll tell him to come outside with me and there we will sit, different house, different porch, but the same view, the same stars, the same moon, just meant the world for me. So my love and passion for the night is all connected with an event, a reason like everything else I love and admire. My dad brought the stars into my life and they mean alot to me. They aren't just glowing balls of fire that will die in a few hundred years, well at least not to me anyways, but they are reminders of when time waws simplier and easier to enjoy. So when I can stay up till three in the morning, just sitting at my window, looking out and up, or laying on a blanket in the back yard, gazing at the twinkling lights in the sky, I always think back and smile fondly on those wonderful memories that my dad has twisted into my life. Its just so quiet and peaceful, to be awake while half the world around you is soundly asleep. Even the smallest thing that someone does can have a big impact. Those nights with my dad have made me a Nyctophile and a Selenophile, and I would hate to give that up or not have been at all. One of the biggest things I love is the night, and that is the reason why.


	5. Chapter 5

A few days ago I got a phone call from this family that I've known for 4 years. Now that may not seem like a long time but I watched these kids grow up, as they did for me too. The grandfather got cancer and after a while I didn't hear from them again. So I went to check up on them but no one was home. The grandma had decided to finally contact me and now I know why. The Grandpa died five weeks ago. I was driving when I got this phone call and it felt like a knife had slide into my heart. This man that I had known, cared for and loved, had left us, and I was just hearing about it now. I cried the rest of the way home, and when I got home I went up to my room and didn't come out for a while. My mind had its own way to process this pain and it took me awhile but finally my mind settled on a line from Game Of Thrones.

"Only death can pay for life."

And I realized that people die every day and people are born every day. In a way, their death pays for the new life. So if you are dealing with a great loss just think about this- an old life who has lived, sacrificing the rest of their numbered days, for some one who has yet to live. So adjust your perspective as I have adjusted mine, so that death isn't just a sad thing, but its a good thing too. Yes it is hard but its better for the hurt and dying to leave in peace rather than suffer and waiting.


	6. Chapter 6

Stars. The fixed luminous points in the night sky that every one in the world sees, no matter of location. I find them devastatingly irrevocably irresistible. It doesn't matter how somber the sky is, the dying orbs of light always manage to keep create divine illusions that captivate my attention. I wondered about them so much that I took Astronomy in my junior year of high school. Some nights when my mind had been stressed to the maximum, I will wander to my backyard and lay on the grass and lift my eyes up to see the constellation maze that has been woven into the night. There is something so stirring that captures my attention in the stars that makes me feel so peaceful, that there is nothing that can disrupt or distress me as I simply stare and watch. I think it has to do with the fact that when I was a child, my father would take me outside around midnight almost every night, and he would point out the constellations and name them with me. It was such a huge part of my childhood that even now it affects me. I've spent hours laying on the old hammock weakened by the years, that hangs between two trees, listening and observing. every time I see a shooting star, it still takes my breath away and I still admire the way they recklessly shine, no matter how obscure or dusky it can get. Even in mythology stars have a huge importance. In Norse Mythology, when a great warrior dies, they will set him in a boat filled by flowers and herbs and gems, and shoot a flaming arrow and set the flesh aflame. The whole belief was that the ashes would fly up and join the stars. I have never loved a belief more than this. Stars to me are the wonders the world cannot even imagine. They are pure beautiful things that set my imagination wild. Stars are something that make me lose track of all time and they captivate me so much.


	7. Chapter 7

For class I got assigned to mediate for 10 minutes as a follow up on Siddartha, which we are reading in class.

When I spent the time meditation, I will admit it was especially hard for me because I had ADHD and staying quiet for a long period of time or just sitting still, just is not a thing for me. But nonthless I still was able to do it for most of the ten minutes. My mind wandered to places and thoughts that had been stressing me out for a while. It gave me chance just to breathe and relax. I did cheat a little, I had my piano playlist playing, but it was the only way for me not to give up. I just closed my eyes and relaxed the stress away. It is hard in a house hold of three girls, a loud step dad, a cat who constantly talked and a dog who skitters on wood floors. So I chose a time when I knew that I would be alone, after school. I have about an hour to myself, so it is a nice quiet time where I don't get disrupted. I sat on my bed, right in the middle of it and set an alarm on on my clock so I would know when 10 minutes were up. ( I lasted about 8.5) My mind does not do well with sitting around doing nothing. I have my own form of meditation at each house anyways. Whenever I feel stresses at my dads, I'll go out back, when it is night, and I'll look up at the stars and just sit in the grass for an hour so. It is one of the most relaxing things ever. At mom's I'll go to this little section of woods and follow the path till it cuts off, and go the wrong way. Halfway down there is a fallen branch and past that is a river with a tree that creates a bridge to the other side. I love to sit on that branch, listen to the water flowing, the birds chirping and the wind as it caresses the leaves. So even though the meditation that I was assigned to do isn't what this is, I still have my ow ways to mediate.


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm disappointed with you."

He said

Close my eyes

And hear her voice

"You are a disappointment to me."

How could you

You know my past

With that one word

Yet still

"I'm disappointed in you."

Well

I'm disappointed with me too.

For falling in love with you.


	9. Chapter 9

Go on.

Walk right over me.

Like I don't exist.

Like I am not here.

I am.

And if you walk over me

Then I sure as hell

Will walk over you too.

But I'll make you suffer twice as much

As you made me.


	10. Chapter 10

Please just listen

to what

I have to say

And maybe

you'll understand

why

I must do this

So please

be quiet

and let me speak

just listen

and understand.


End file.
